Monday, November 17, 2008

Rivalry Week

As most everyone in the State of Utah is aware, this weekend is the rivalry game between BYU and Utah. In honor of this intense game, I thought I would post some hillarious (playful, not serious) smack talk against the Utes. Before I do, let me start off by saying that all the Ute fans who think that BYU fans are self-righteous are quite hypocritical. Ute fans think they are so much better than BYU fans because they don't claim superiority. Therefore, they are so much better than the BYU fans. Please, the very fact that they claim to be better than BYU fans is a self-righteous attitude in and of itself. The bottom line is that both sides have idiotic, obnoxious fans, and any one (from either side) that begins to sincerely attack the other side is a moron. No need to get mean and nasty, just relax, have fun, and enjoy the game.
Ok, before either side gets too high and mighty on their teams success, let's look at recent history.
From 1922-1971 the U was 38-5-4 vs. the Y
From 1972-1992 the U was 2-19 vs. the Y
From 1993 on the U is 9-6 vs. the Y.
Last 4 years = 2-2
Last 8 years = 4-4
last 20 years = 10-10
Now you can see why anyone who starts claiming "Utah is going to destroy BYU", or "BYU owns Utah" is being ignorant and foolish. Now, on to the fun part. This is long, but includes some of my favorites.

How many Utes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one and if he is successful, he gets 5.5 credit hours.
What do you get when you put 32 Ute coeds in a room? A complete set of teeth.
Why do Utes hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror? For handicapped parking of course.
A Ute fan was venting and fuming about the bad name their kind had been getting. Drunkards, stupid, etc, he'd had enough. So he set out to prove all the naysayers wrong. Ute fans can really be smart! So he jumped in his car, drove out of the trailer park (so THIS is what it feels like to drive sober!), and headed down the highway. Not two minutes into his travels, he spotted another fan in full garb, sitting in a row boat out in the middle of a wheat field, rowing for all he was worth, and going no where. Disgusted, the fan slammed on the brakes, jumped out of his car, and screamed at the top of his lungs: "You IDIOT, don't you know that its morons like you who give fans a bad rap? If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

Kyle Whittingham grew so frustrated at his inability to beat the Cougs the last two years, he decided to watch BYU's practice in disguise and ask Bronco why he's been so successful. Bronco replied I have smart players, let me demonstrate, so he calls Max Hall over to him and asks. Who is your fathers, brothers, nephew. Max instantly replies Bronco, that's easy, that'd be me. Kyle Whittingham left very impressed. The next day at practice, Kyle asks Brian Johnson BJ, who is your fathers brothers nephew. BJ thinks and thinks and thinks and finally says, Wouldn't that be me? Kyle is furious and yells, NO YOU IDIOT, IT'S MAX HALL!!!!!!

Whittingham dies and is admitted to Heaven (Wait, this is just a joke and not reality.). He is met by St. Peter and Whittingham asked him where he was going to stay. St. Peter told Whittingham that the mansions up in Heaven weren't all that fancy because of the humility of the denizens. They walked for a short time and St. Peter showed Whittingham a small cottage with a white picket fence and a very beautiful garden. Whittingham was very happy with it and said he was very please. Some days later, Whittingham walks up to St. Peter and starts complaining quite bitterly about the Bronco's mansion. St. Peter looks very confused and said that Bronco lived in a very humble cottage also, probably more humble that Whittingham's. Whittingham griped on about Bronco's mansion, the big one up on top the hill, surrounded by BYU flags and large flashing signs with Bronco's name and picture on them and how the singing ofa million voice choir singing praises to BYU football was bothering everybody. St. Peter starts to laugh and told Whittingham that that wasn't Bronco's house, that it was the Lord's main house.

Do you know how to get a Ute co-ed in a freight elevator? Grease her hips and throw in Twinkie! Do you know how to get her back out? Throw in a Weight Watchers pamphlet!
What's the difference between a coed and a cop car? It takes at least two cop cars to block the road.
How do you get the Ute grad off your porch? Tip him for the Pizza.
A fan - Bubba - died in a fire and his two alum sons - Kyle and Andy - were called in to identify the body. Kyle went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Kyle said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Kyle looked and said, "Nope, ain't Daddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Andy in to identify the body. Andy took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Andy looked down and said, "No, it ain't Daddy. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Andy said, "Well, Daddy had two buttholes." "What? He had two buttholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes..."

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Holy War that weekend. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." BJ was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Brent on the shoulder. "Pssst. Brent. What's the answer to the last question?" Brent laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to BJ. "BJ, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said BJ. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Brent's shoulder again, he whispered, "Brent, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, BJ. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

You know you're a Ute fan when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Things Whittingham has said to try and motivate his players...
Are your parents siblings?
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Go ahead, tell me everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
If you're not stupid then you must be possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my butt. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

What's the difference between Rice-Eccles stadium and a porcupine? The porcupine has 40,000 pricks on the outside.
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Utah. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
There's a ute out for a walk. He comes upon a river and sees another ute on the opposite bank. "Hey!" he shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second ute looks up the river and then back down again and replies, "You are on the other side!"
Two Ute builders were working on a house. One Ute was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other Ute couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first Ute explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second Ute got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"

32 comments:

Amanda the Couch said...

Another fabulous blog post that proves once again how glad I am to be a Ute!


I really hope Austin Collie forgot to do his home teaching this month.

Anonymous said...

Copy and paste = lame and unoriginal.

Cody said...

Dear anonymous, I didn't claim originality with my jokes. I admit that most are taken from other people. What's the problem with that? I just wanted to post a bunch of these for one, quick and easy access point for rivalry jokes.

And in response to Amanda, most of these unoriginal jokes are used by Utes, Blue Devils, Terapins, etc. etc. I heard the one about God's house from an endo professor at Dental School (Dr. Jones). He is a die hard U Maryland fan and hates Duke. God's house had the Maryland stuff, and the other house was Duke. Does that mean that all Maryland fans are self righteous and holier than thou? No. Ute fans have used the exact sames jokes. So basically you need to get off your high horse. Like I stated in the post, the self-righteousness goes both ways. I clearly stated that my jokes were all in fun, and nothing serious. Why can't these jokes be viewed as something light hearted? My intent is clearly not to widen the chasm between the two fan bases, but to give some good laughs on a Monday.

dan and audrey said...

great post! hope it is a good game. and you never know who will win,because both teams seem to have "big brother syndrome" ( it's in your head that you can never beat up your big brother just because he is your big brother!)I like to cheer for both teams except for this week I will be cheering for the utes! I guess I'm more of a ute fan but whats wrong with cheering for both?! except this week of course! GO UTES!!=)

Mike said...

Gotta love rivalry week. I wanted to get in on the fun as well, so here goes...

One day in an elementary school in Salt Lake City, UT, a teacher asks her class if the Utah Utes are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The BYU Cougars "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Cougar fan, my mom is a Cougar fan, I guess that makes me a Cougar fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Utah fan."

Sock-it-to-ya said...

Amanda (and all other Utah homers that thing the same), thanks for confirming the stereotype.

Having cheered for the U more years he has cheered for BYU, and having attended both schools, Cody is anything but something that would make you glad to be a Ute.

Do you guys:
1-not understand that all schools w/ a rivalry have jokes about the other team?
2-or, think that anyone from BYU making a joke about Utah is because they think they are more righteous or better in some other way?
3-have some other reason besides the above two that makes you comment as such when a post was done with such obvious disclaimers?

If by chance you were joking, why not make it obvious and put in your own disclaimer?

Anonymous said...

Nice post!! Love the jokes. Gonna be a great game...NEVER disappoints! We will see if Utah has what it takes to hold onto the BCS bid...they have done well thus far. Would be poetic justice to see them loose it to BYU though...Pure Poetic Justice!

-Jeremy

The Hunsakers said...

I loved it Cody. I am so glad not to be in Utah this week because of the morons on both sides of this rivalry that don't have a sense of humor (case in point the first comment). I hate the rude, holier than thou attitudes that both sides tend to get. Be honest in your assessment of the other team for a change people. This year they are both doing great. I would like to point out that for people that aren't Ute or Coug fans this is a game I wouldn't miss. It is guaranteed to be a great game because anything can happen when the teams are as close as this. I still won't miss it as a fan, it will just be a little more torturous for me. With that said- GO COUGARS!

Amanda the Couch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amanda the Couch said...

whooo hooo, boy did I get some worked up with my little comment.

Not to restate the obvious or anything, but I am even more proud to delcare I am a Ute after reading the comments.

*do I really need to state that I am fully aware that the jokes were generic?

Meiszus' Musings said...

Wow, Amanda hit a soft spot. Cody, Amanda did not remark on the unoriginality of the jokes, we have all heard them before going the other way, all she commented on was the post as a whole, and how posts like this make her glad to be a Ute. If being glad to be a Ute equals being on a high horse, then, no, I won't get off my high horse. As for U fans being self-righteous, I have yet to meet one. I have never met a U fan who claims that he is better because God chose his school. I have met many, many BYU fans with that opinion.

Sock-it-to-ya, what stereotype is Amanda supposed to have confirmed? What does Cody's change in allegiance have to do with anything at all? Of course she understands that these jokes go with the rivaly season, she never said anything about the jokes. As for your self-righteous comment, I guess you are getting that from the Austin Collie comment. She was just making an observation that maybe God won't intervene this year if Brother Austin didn't do his home teaching, you know, like he did last year.

As for the Hunsakers, who the hell are you to determine if someone has a sense of humor based on the dislike of a post.

And finally Cody. Thanks for not being one of the BYU fans who only remembers the period of 1972 - 1992. For all you Y fans out there who can't do math, all-time the U still leads the series 49-30 with 4 ties. As for the jokes, there might have been one or two in there I hadn't heard before. I don't have a problem with you posting them.

And for all you self-righteous Austin Collie fans, the prophet may be a Cougar, but he's also a Ute! Go UTES!!!

In conclusion, baseless attacks on people who voice their opinion is one of the many reasons I decided not to attend the Y, so quit picking on Amanda and putting words in her mouth.

Amanda the Couch said...

yeah what he said guys!

Cody said...

Spencer (and Amanda), I am well aware that Amanda wasn't the one to comment on the originality of the jokes. Go back and reread my comment. It is addressed to Anonymous (comment #2). I addressed Amanda separately with regards to her jab at a tired, overkilled statement that Austin Collie made. Because of this knee jerk reaction from you two, do I need to now make fun of your "world class" University of Utah education and the stellar reading comprehension skills they teach there? (Just kidding, I couldn't pass up the chance for that jab, you left me wide open with that error ;))

As to your comment about never meeting a self righteous Ute and your statement, "I have never met a U fan who claims that he is better because God chose his school." Your definition is not the only one that defines a self-righteous person. I'll borrow a definition from Webster. Self-righteous = narrow-mindedly moralistic. I know plenty of Ute fans who fit this description perfectly. BYU doesn't hold the monopoly on that. The comment about how my post "proves" why you both are glad to be Utes is very confusing. I didn't rip on the University of Utah at all (before the generic jokes), or show any self-righteous, holier than thou attitude. Why? What in my post triggered that? What in my post makes you so proud to be a Ute? Hinting to the fact that I was being self-righteous for my post is apropriately termed "being on a high horse".

Finally, coming on here and attacking the comments of others only helps to justify the angry, elitist, self-righteous stereotypes that I aluded to in my post that exist on both sides-not just by Cougar fans. You two are so defensive of Utes and so critical of all things BYU, maybe you should take a step back and be a little more objective about this.
I really do hope for a good game on Saturday, and I don't hate the U or its teams. I have many great family and friends (including you two) who are Ute fans. What I do hate is the finger pointing of why "X" school is better than "Y" school and turning any conversation about the two schools into an elementary school style shouting match. Both sides are guilty of this-as I have mentioned ad nauseum. Can't we all grow up, show some maturity and objectivity and make this a more enjoyable rivalry and less of a contentious, hate filled rivalry? You ask for people to respect your opinions, I ask for the same towards BYU fans.

Karen, Mackay, Easton & Kallie said...

Oh my goodness you must be really BORED at your job!

GO UTES! =)

Cody said...

Karen, I did have the stripper patient (exotic personal dancer as she puts it) cancel her 2 hour appointment this morning for her extractions and bridge. So, yes boredom did facilitate the writing of this post :)

Sock-it-to-ya again said...

Too funny!

Well, to start off with why I said that about Mrs. Amanda is because she brought the religion into this thing by commenting about the HT visit, not Cody.

Second point, (especially for Mr. MyZeus Mustangs) you totally missed what Cody said about holier than though and proved it again. Holier than thou is not just about religion, despite the roots of the phrase. Utes like you and Mrs Amanda act Holier than thou because you feel like you are SOOO much better AKA holier than thou.

You feel you are so much better because you:
1-don't bring religion into it, but you do FOR US (as what Mrs. Amanda said). Don't be stupid and act like you didn't know what I was referring to when I made my self righteous comment. If a BYU fan would of said the same thing you would have skinned him alive. Mrs. Amanda says it and you just blow it off.

2-don't get involved as much (why are you here posting as you did then?, etc. etc.

I wasn't pointing out a change in allegiance either, but a fact that Cody has loved Utah and because of that he still likes them although he likes BYU more because of going to school there more. For that reason he can honestly evaluate both schools. So, it has EVERYTHING to do with this conversation.

Mr. Mustang, who gives a crap about anything before the 70's? Were you even alive before the 70's? I'll give it to you that it is cool to say that the U leads the all time record, but when it comes to talking which school has the better program you usually are referring just the last 2 or 3 decades. If Utah went undefeated from 1830 to 1955, but lost every game from 1988 until now they would be considered a terrible program.

Zues Mustang, why did you have to pull the prophet card? Can't we leave religion out of this you guys....

What part of accurately pointing out she reconfirmed the stereotype is baseless?, and admit it, you didn't go to the Y because you couldn't get in! Case in point, Cody pointed it out to BOTH of you with your lack of reading comprehension skills.

I guess it is like that old Pantene commercial - Don't hate me because I'm [smarter than you].

Sock-it-to-ya again said...

Just kidding about the jab at not being able to get into BYU, just wanted to ruffle your feathers.

Karen, Mackay, Easton & Kallie said...

I told lisa that the infideltiy (sp?) was an issue with you dentists!! Better watch those stripper girls!

Anonymous said...

somebody went to cougarblue today.... ;)

-paul

Anonymous said...

somebody went to cougarblue today.... ;)

-paul

Anonymous said...

... somebody hit "Publish Your Comment" twice....
-me again

Kevin said...

Man I love this week! Thanks for the laughs on your post Cody. The comments you attract are hilarious too.


So Rise and Shout, the Cougars are out....... Go COUGARS!

Preston said...

I cant believe I have been called ignorant? Man what did I do to deserve that? I gotta give a die hard Coug some grief. I cant wait 'til the end of the week when half of the state will be disappointed. If your team does in fact beat the Utes please refrain from saying it was because Jesus stepped in and magic happened. LOL!!

Cody said...

Preston, too funny. It wasn't directed towards you personally. Sorry if that's the way it was perceived.

As for Jesus stepping in, I fear that's what the cougars will need to win on Saturday ;) Just kidding, but seriously, again, Ute fans absolutely over reacted over Austin's comment and put words into his mouth and condemned him for what he said. Where is all the hate when Colt McCoy said that their succes was because God was blessing them? Many Ute fans are so hypocritical about the religion card (like sock-it-to-ya has stated).

As for the actual game this Saturday, if BYU loses, then great for Utah. My heart will be broken, but you won't see me spewing out all sorts of vile, hateful comments about the opposing team.

Are you going to the game Saturday Preston? You could always call Dan and Heather and get some front row tickets with them that they were offered from Sakoda. Wish I could be there.

The Eliason Family said...

Thanks for the jokes...Josh and I laughed so hard! It was a great family home evening. :)

Meiszus' Musings said...

Well, I wanted to leave it alone, but dumbass comments made me come back.

Cody, you did at least reference Amanda when it comes to the unoriginality of the jokes, so maybe your edjumicashun is the one that isn't so "world class." ("And in response to Amanda, most of these unoriginal jokes are used by Utes...") As for the inability to read, Cody, I really hope for your argument's sake Sock-it-to-ya didn't go to the Y, or else I will have lots of fun showing how the Y doesn't teach you how to write.

Sock-it-to-ya, maybe it is my "world class" education, but where exactly did I have a problem with religion being brought into the rivalry? The rivalry is called the "Holy War." I have a problem with someone saying that God influences the outcome of games. No, I am not being hypocritical about this, as Cody will attest, I have often said that if a player crosses himself after scoring or kneels down and points to heaven I have no problem with that, as long as they are saying, in essence, "Thank you, Lord, for giving me my talents and abilities." I do, however, have a problem with those motions if they are in essence saying, "Thank you, Lord, for helping me score that touchdown," regardless of what team they play for. Austin Collie's comment was that when you are living right on and off the field God will step in and "play a part." God couldn't care less who wins the football game. Austin Collie is a great receiver, and if he would just keep his big mouth shut, I would have loved to have him on our team; the problem is he keeps going off script and getting himself in trouble.

And, because you brought it up, then reconsidered, I will once again address the admission into BYU. I didn't even try, because I didn't want to go there; not in the least and I have never regretted my decision. As for not being able to get in; assuming you attended high school in Utah, I can guarantee with 100% assurity that I graduated from high school with a higher GPA than you did. I was admitted to much harder schools than the Y, and had a choice of where to attend. Holier-than-thou, when not referencing religion, is exactly the attitude you all show when you talk about how hard it is to get in to the Y and that the U is inferior. I have found that the most annoying BYU fans are typically those who couldn't even get in, so maybe that is the case with you.

Cody, back to you, I feel like you think I attacked you in my previous comment. I fail to see anything that was an attack. I thanked you for showing some stats, and I never had a problem with you posting the jokes, they will be in the paper in the next day or two. I did, however, attack the comments from others, because I feel that they have the same bias you accused us of having.

In conclusion, if anyone happens to have read this far, sorry for any typographical errors, or errors in analysis, I am currently trying to learn criminal procedure as well as type this comment.

Cody said...

Criminal law, huh? My best advice for you to pass your exam is the old adage, "if it doesn't fit, you must aquit!" Do you have any job leads for next summer? Have you decided what type of law you are going into?

Meiszus' Musings said...

I'm taking the class pass/fail, so maybe I will put in the exam "if it doesn't fit, you must acquit." No, no leads yet, but I am still hopeful. I want to do corporate litigation, but Criminal Procedure is on the bar, and the teacher is a very well-respected scholar, so I thought it would be an interesting course.

sock-it-to-ya-cracka' said...

Heyzues,
How do you get better than a pre-weighted 4.0?

I'm sorry for getting your feathers so ruffled up. I can tell you are a cool guy, but I can't resist the chance to show that Ute's who think they are better than stereotypical cougs are usually molding perfectly fine to the same stereotype.

Karen, Mackay, Easton & Kallie said...

How is preston the only one with common sense in this family you married into!! =)

Rachelle & Matt said...

Now Cody lets not forget you where a UTE for breif moment during your college career and I know you liked it! The game will be good and close like always but I think the UTES will win this year! GO UTES!!!

Nate and Mindy said...

Oh Cody, this is just like old times at Liberty Square in our crappy apartment, arguing all night about Utah and BYU athletics. Remember how I used to always be cheering for the Utes, even when I was a student at BYU?

BYU is a great school for an education, however athletics are a different story. I've ALWAYS loved Utah athletics. I think it's hilarious that people actually got seriously angry about the comments people made rather than what you said in your post. I bet Sock-it-to-ya was one of those BYU dudes who would try to throw a barbecue on the 5x5 piece of grass in front of his apartment or start a random game of Hide-and-go-seek in the Wilkinson Center. Those socially inept people are one of the reasons I transferred to the U. I couldn't handle the Jr. High-like atmosphere of Provo.

I must say that anyone who thinks religion doesn't have anything to do with the rivalry doesn't really understand the rivalry. It's basically the liberal Mormons against the conservative Mormons. BYU fans think Utah fans are rebellious and disobedient while Utah fans think BYU fans are goodie-goodies who conform rather than make their own decisions. That's why we hate each other and it's about time someone just says it.

And Cody must really be a Utah fan because I know how much time he spent in the principal's...I mean Honor Code office. I should just get Dennis to yell at you instead. Remember his miniature John Deere tractor collection? ha ha ha