Rivalry Week

As most everyone in the State of Utah is aware, this weekend is the rivalry game between BYU and Utah. In honor of this intense game, I thought I would post some hillarious (playful, not serious) smack talk against the Utes. Before I do, let me start off by saying that all the Ute fans who think that BYU fans are self-righteous are quite hypocritical. Ute fans think they are so much better than BYU fans because they don't claim superiority. Therefore, they are so much better than the BYU fans. Please, the very fact that they claim to be better than BYU fans is a self-righteous attitude in and of itself. The bottom line is that both sides have idiotic, obnoxious fans, and any one (from either side) that begins to sincerely attack the other side is a moron. No need to get mean and nasty, just relax, have fun, and enjoy the game.
Ok, before either side gets too high and mighty on their teams success, let's look at recent history.
From 1922-1971 the U was 38-5-4 vs. the Y
From 1972-1992 the U was 2-19 vs. the Y
From 1993 on the U is 9-6 vs. the Y.
Last 4 years = 2-2
Last 8 years = 4-4
last 20 years = 10-10
Now you can see why anyone who starts claiming "Utah is going to destroy BYU", or "BYU owns Utah" is being ignorant and foolish. Now, on to the fun part. This is long, but includes some of my favorites.

How many Utes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one and if he is successful, he gets 5.5 credit hours.
What do you get when you put 32 Ute coeds in a room? A complete set of teeth.
Why do Utes hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror? For handicapped parking of course.
A Ute fan was venting and fuming about the bad name their kind had been getting. Drunkards, stupid, etc, he'd had enough. So he set out to prove all the naysayers wrong. Ute fans can really be smart! So he jumped in his car, drove out of the trailer park (so THIS is what it feels like to drive sober!), and headed down the highway. Not two minutes into his travels, he spotted another fan in full garb, sitting in a row boat out in the middle of a wheat field, rowing for all he was worth, and going no where. Disgusted, the fan slammed on the brakes, jumped out of his car, and screamed at the top of his lungs: "You IDIOT, don't you know that its morons like you who give fans a bad rap? If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

Kyle Whittingham grew so frustrated at his inability to beat the Cougs the last two years, he decided to watch BYU's practice in disguise and ask Bronco why he's been so successful. Bronco replied I have smart players, let me demonstrate, so he calls Max Hall over to him and asks. Who is your fathers, brothers, nephew. Max instantly replies Bronco, that's easy, that'd be me. Kyle Whittingham left very impressed. The next day at practice, Kyle asks Brian Johnson BJ, who is your fathers brothers nephew. BJ thinks and thinks and thinks and finally says, Wouldn't that be me? Kyle is furious and yells, NO YOU IDIOT, IT'S MAX HALL!!!!!!

Whittingham dies and is admitted to Heaven (Wait, this is just a joke and not reality.). He is met by St. Peter and Whittingham asked him where he was going to stay. St. Peter told Whittingham that the mansions up in Heaven weren't all that fancy because of the humility of the denizens. They walked for a short time and St. Peter showed Whittingham a small cottage with a white picket fence and a very beautiful garden. Whittingham was very happy with it and said he was very please. Some days later, Whittingham walks up to St. Peter and starts complaining quite bitterly about the Bronco's mansion. St. Peter looks very confused and said that Bronco lived in a very humble cottage also, probably more humble that Whittingham's. Whittingham griped on about Bronco's mansion, the big one up on top the hill, surrounded by BYU flags and large flashing signs with Bronco's name and picture on them and how the singing ofa million voice choir singing praises to BYU football was bothering everybody. St. Peter starts to laugh and told Whittingham that that wasn't Bronco's house, that it was the Lord's main house.

Do you know how to get a Ute co-ed in a freight elevator? Grease her hips and throw in Twinkie! Do you know how to get her back out? Throw in a Weight Watchers pamphlet!
What's the difference between a coed and a cop car? It takes at least two cop cars to block the road.
How do you get the Ute grad off your porch? Tip him for the Pizza.
A fan - Bubba - died in a fire and his two alum sons - Kyle and Andy - were called in to identify the body. Kyle went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Kyle said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Kyle looked and said, "Nope, ain't Daddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Andy in to identify the body. Andy took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Andy looked down and said, "No, it ain't Daddy. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Andy said, "Well, Daddy had two buttholes." "What? He had two buttholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes..."

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Holy War that weekend. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." BJ was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Brent on the shoulder. "Pssst. Brent. What's the answer to the last question?" Brent laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to BJ. "BJ, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said BJ. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Brent's shoulder again, he whispered, "Brent, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, BJ. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

You know you're a Ute fan when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Things Whittingham has said to try and motivate his players...
Are your parents siblings?
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Go ahead, tell me everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
If you're not stupid then you must be possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my butt. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

What's the difference between Rice-Eccles stadium and a porcupine? The porcupine has 40,000 pricks on the outside.
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Utah. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
There's a ute out for a walk. He comes upon a river and sees another ute on the opposite bank. "Hey!" he shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second ute looks up the river and then back down again and replies, "You are on the other side!"
Two Ute builders were working on a house. One Ute was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other Ute couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first Ute explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second Ute got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"