Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Recent Thoughts About Lisa

It's crazy to think that Lisa passed away 6 weeks ago last night. Time seems to be flying. That doesn't mean that I don't miss her, because I still do. I miss her terribly. But I think that the pain, suffering, and complete exhaustion over the final three months of her life made it seem like each day dragged along so slowly. Once she passed away I had a tremendous feeling of relief. My sweet heart was done fighting and suffering. What a long fight it was too.

Thankfully I have had a couple of wonderful experiences since her death that have eased my concerns and allowed me to be at peace with everything knowing that she is in a better place. A few days after her funeral, for an entire day I had the distinct feeling that she is very happy right now. It wasn't just a feeling that I was yearning for or imagining either. It was very real, and very different than your typical feel good story type of feeling. The Spirit was very strong and very apparent. That helped ease my pain quite a bit. Then, the week after the funeral when Aubrey had her dance performance at Lagoon I had another wonderful experience. As Aubrey got up to perform her team dance I could strongly feel that Lisa was there smiling over Aubrey. It brought tears to my eyes to feel that. I wasn't alone either. Some of the other clogging moms noticed it too and came up to me with tears in their eyes to express what they were feeling.

The final three months of Lisa's life were far and away the most difficult of my life. They were harder than I even imagined they would be. They were incredibly exhausting, both physically and mentally. It was so hard to watch her deteriorate so much and to see the tumor completely take her away from us. Having to physically do everything for her also took a huge toll on me. From baths, to feeding her, to changing her diapers, to brushing her teeth. It was very hard to be her care taker and at the same time try to run my business and try to care for the kids. All of that pretty much overwhelmed me and took me beyond my ability. You could say it broke me.

Thankfully though the past six weeks have been much easier than I thought they would be. Again, I miss Lisa terribly and wish she were still here. I wish I could just sit and talk with her and make her laugh. I wish things were different. But this is now my reality and I will tackle it with faith and optimism. There are two reasons why I think life has been easier since Lisa's passing than I thought it would be. One is because in comparison to her final few months, this is so, so much easier. The other, and bigger, reason is because the kids and I have been blessed and buoyed up by the Lord. We have had the Spirit very strongly in our home that has been comforting us and strengthening us. What a blessing it has been.

Through this all I have been reminded of Ether 12:27. "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Boy oh boy does that accurately describe how things have been for me. I was completely brought to my knees as Lisa deteriorated, and I was made painfully aware of my weaknesses and mortal shortcomings. I realized that I wasn't as amazing as I thought I was and that I couldn't carry this burden alone. I wish I were the type of person that chose to be humble without the need to be compelled to be humble. Thankfully though the humility came and I recognized the need for the Lord's help in all things. When I completely turned my heart over to Him and placed my faith in him, that is when I noticed how much the Spirit has been comforting me and helping me. I have seen and felt the sustaining hand of the Lord in all of this. That is why, in my opinion, things have gone so much easier than I had thought they would.


Laurel said...

Thanks so much for sharing all of this. It is amazing to learn from your experiences.

Sarah said...

Loved reading this. I think of Lisa often, as I am sure you do. Whenever I look back on my memory facebook posts or timehop app and she has commented on something i am a little sad, but I am so glad to know she is definitely happy and waiting for you to join her someday.